October 06 2016

As my own body consumes its fat stores and I get smaller, I find myself  eyeing the bodies of people around me, appreciating muscle, fat, contour, substance! It is a great comfort to feel the solid strength of another full-fleshed, healthy body as we hold each other in hugs. I feed upon that reassuring bulk of body that says to me, "I'm here, strong enough to bear your weight, too, so let me share that with you."

I so need that.

At times I feel like I'm ogling others, though. Believe me, that is a VERY odd feeling to have. I have the urge to reach out and touch, feel thigh and shoulder muscle, and strong buttocks. I know --- cringe, cringe -- I hesitate to write it, but it's the truth. Muscle and strength are what we come equipped with, in this animal world. They are not there for decoration: they keep us alive and kicking. And I, suddenly lacking this precious thing I have always had in some measure, want it back!! (It's mine --- you can't have it, oh mine enemy, but you seem to be helping yourself anyway, curse you!!)

Let's hope I don't show up on the Police Blotter of my hometown newspaper, caught reaching in the wrong situation. But at least you'll know what was happening: I was reaching for Life, Substance, Solidity, Reassurance.

I have had good days. Precious good days to celebrate fully and hold dear. I have been able to walk the lane, walk down to the river that runs nearby within a 20 minute walk of my house. On one of the Good Days, my daughter and I visited a beloved sycamore that leans out over the river at a good angle for scrambling up. The same tree generously reaches down with one smaller branch and offers a nice horizontal section low enough to the ground to make a good perch if you don't mind some upside-down moments as you monkey yourself up onto it.

With a little help, I got up: